Dean is a writer, director and performer. twitter.com/utherlives
Big Email from HR Alert! Ugh!
Ha ha ha! But seriously: We’ve all got a lot on our plates right now but a couple of team members have come forward unsure what our official stance is on the continuation of the Anthropocene.
Y’all with the tricky questions! So here’s a small memo to clarify the company line, vis-à-vis, the planet, civilisation and humanity’s future.
The headline is: There’s nothing to stress about. The world is over.
Every single major threat facing this planet, with the possible exception of an asteroid deep impact armageddon, is years past the point when even the most rapid global action could meaningfully help to stop the inevitable mass human dieback that is, at best, two or three decades away.
This does not align with our brand’s core values (Beauty at Any Size; Community) but word from the top is “You play the hand you’re dealt. Even when the hand is rotting and used to be attached to you.”
Heavy! So, let’s remember that we have had a truly bodacious year as a company. You guys just keep tearing through KPIs like they’re climate treaties! Slow down! Soon there won’t be anyone left to sell soap to.
To answer the question you’re all asking: While there is on the horizon an unwelcome and fundamental shift in what it is to live (and what life is at all), this will cause no extra work for you. The tide of the pending eschaton cannot be turned back. You’re all free and easy to immediately stop complaining and hunker down to work. The insufficiently hunkered will be written up.
We have such a good time here, doing the important work of re-selling microplastics in soapy-water to the bodily-dysmorphic. And, fallout pending, there’s no reason for us to stop.
TL;DR: We’d love it if you would all consider continuing to live. Contact HR immediately if otherwise.
So, that’s that. There will be no more correspondence on this matter.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming. Here is the plan for this week’s all hands on Wednesday:
9.30am - A presentation on stopping crying so audibly while on the phone to customers.
10am - Team-building-a-wall-between-ourselves-and-the-last-parts-of-reality-now-they-too-are-rightly-trying-to-kill-us-like-everything-else-already-is exercises.
11am - Foetal position free-time for as long as you need it. (We have determined you need 5 minutes foetal free-time.)
11.05am - We get to be helpless witnesses as the self-installed coloniser super-corporations hollow out and defile our one precious and beautiful home. The view as hundreds of millions of souls, at the least, are swept from the planet by forces few understand and none voted for, will be gorgeous. They may be dying out there but, in here, we’ll be living.
See: Every cloud has a silver lining. Even mushroom shaped ones.